Today was a really great day. You, your brother, and I ran simple errands but I got to watch you really engage with your surroundings in a way that you aren't always able to do. At the farmers market you helped pick out produce with clear and concise thought, you were really able to concentrate on the task and didn't seem to have a million other thoughts running through your mind simultaneously. You were able to follow directions and really hear what I was saying to you today. There were no outbursts or running away or screaming. This is so rare for you these days. Your teachers, doctor, and I think that it might be a good idea to have you tested to see where (or if! There's still hope for "if".) you fall on the autism spectrum.
Autism Spectrum. The simple words alone are terrifying to me. I want so many amazing things for you and the thought of you having a constant struggle is heartbreaking. It's funny, when I was pregnant with you I read a magazine article that said that boys are MUCH more likely to have an ASD than girls are, so when we saw, on the ultrasound, that you're a girl I was so relieved, like that was one less thing to worry about. And then when your GIANT personality came out, I *KNEW* that it wasn't anything for me to be concerned with. You love people and will have long conversations with just about anyone. So how is it that my girl could have to manage these extra challenges for the rest of her life? Who in the hell decided THIS, because it sure wasn't me? I made the right bargains with God, and I've held to them. During the scary months of my pregnancy with you, I had talks with God and explained to Him that if you were safe and healthy and amazing, I'd try my absolute hardest to help people and be a good person, and I really do try, I swear Lily, I really do. I feel like God reneged on our deal and now you're going to have a harder life. I'm so sorry that I got cocky and let my guard down, I feel like maybe if I had been more diligent and continued to worry about this, than it wouldn't be something that you're facing now. This one sneaked in around the back when I wasn't looking.
I know that no matter what the outcome of this test is, you're the same Lily, no matter what. You're my same beautiful, awesome, goofy, brilliant, and hilarious girl that you've always been, nothing will change that. I just wanted a life with a smooth path for you. I can put up with the outbursts and the screaming, I really can, but I hate that you're going to have to work so much harder. Don't "they" know who you are? You're Lily. You deserve an amazing and beautiful life and I just don't get what happened. No matter what, I CAN promise you that you, Micah, and I are going to kick the ass of this dumb spectrum. This will not define you, because you're so much more than any diagnosis that comes back. Team Silly forever, I promise.